


Solid As A Rock, Steady As A Mountain

by deathfucker13



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: (harold they're lesbians), (i dont have to explain who regina is right), Character Study, F/F, Genderswap, Mutual Pining, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 10:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18408986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathfucker13/pseuds/deathfucker13
Summary: Many have marvelled at how intuitively Colonel Mustang and her aide seem to understand each other, but such an understanding only comes about through a lot of trial and error. Freshly transferred to East City, neither of them know where they stand, and Regina decides to test the waters.





	Solid As A Rock, Steady As A Mountain

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize if I made a mistake with the military stuff. I tried looking it up, but in the end I'm just really unfamiliar with all that.

It's half past six, an hour past Riza's closing time, and her back hurts. She could never have imagined how much of her time would be spent sitting at a desk, never moving except to reach for the stapler or a new pencil, writing letters and request forms and reports and filing them. She is beginning to grow used to it, she hopes, but compared to the constant physical exertion she is used to, it makes her antsy. She can understand the Major in that regard; while she privately thinks that she is overdoing it a little with the self-pity, being transferred from war directly into a stuffy office certainly isn't something she would recommend to anyone.

Still, it's no use. This letter to the district commissioner isn't going to write itself, and the Major's chickenscratch writing would likely be considered an insult by the commissioner's secretary, so the task of converting the draft into an actual piece of writing falls to Riza. Not exactly demanding work, but she can concentrate on it well enough. And in truth, she doesn't mind so terribly the time she spends here after hours. First of all, the Major is still here. As hard to believe as Riza herself finds the notion, she must have finally listened to Riza's admonishments and decided to catch up on neglected work. And as difficult Riza finds it to talk to the woman outside of strictly business matters, her presence by itself has much the opposite effect; it makes Riza feel calmer, more secure in herself. Why that is, she has no idea. She knows that the Major is plagued by the war they left behind just as much as herself, so she is hardly a beacon of stability, but Riza isn't complaining. And of course there's also the fact that she simply doesn't have much to return to.

The apartment she has been assigned by the quartermaster is nothing special, good or bad; it follows military concerns of functionality above all. A bedroom and the smallest kitchen she has ever seen with what might as well be a school desk and a single chair crammed into it, and the bathroom is a communal one out on the hallway. She doesn't mind the enclosed space so much as she does how cold and dark and empty it is. Her father's house was largely the same, to the point where her most frequent childhood game was to play a ghost in it, but it had large halls with high ceilings. There was space to breathe in it. In contrast, her new apartment allows her as little room as the recruit barracks did, but those in turn were filled with people, and life, and even if Riza rarely took up the opportunity, there was always someone _there_. This apartment is the worst of both, and she hates it. Sometimes she dreads the cramped silence so much she extends her ten-minute commute into an hour-long walk just so she will have to spend less time there. In the office there are things to do for her at least, nonsensical as most of them are.

Riza sighs under her breath and takes a moment to roll her wrist and flex her fingers before she takes up the pen again. Only one or two more paragraphs, for better or worse. She is beginning to get hungry.

After another five minutes of dragging her pen across the stationery in her best cursive, Riza puts down the final words onto the envelope and screws the pen cap back on. The end product looks well enough, given the circumstances. Now the Major only needs to sign it, and it'll be ready to be collected tomorrow morning.

Riza stretches her shoulders gingerly and stands up. At the sound of her chair scraping across the floor, the Major looks up.

"Finished, Ensign?"

"Yes, sir." She walks over to the Major's desk, gently setting the sheets down in front of her. "If you could sign it?"

The Major briefly skims over each page, and scrawls her signature onto the bottom of the last one. Riza has told her at least fifty times since they had been stationed here that with a signature as easy to forge as that one, someone would eventually be bound to do exactly that, but the Major has shrugged it off each time.

"Thank you, Ensign. Well done." The Major holds the letter out for her to take back, and nods once in approval.

Riza clears her throat after a moment of awkward silence. Somehow she has expected the Major to say more than that. "Well. I'll be going home, then."

This does rouse the Major; the look she gives her is nothing less than shocked. Perhaps also a little disappointed, but Riza might be imagining that. "Already?"

"Well... yes. It's nearly 1800 hours, sir, and my shift ended at 1630." Surely, if there was more to do, it was nothing that couldn't wait until tomorrow, and could even be assigned to someone else on the squad. Riza's right wrist really needed a break from writing.

"But I need you!", the Major says, crestfallen. "I promised one of the senior state alchemists I'd help him with some research on the meaning of antique alchemical notation, and I said I'd have it done by Thursday morning, and it's Tuesday, and I haven't even started drafting it yet because I spent all this time trying to decipher these ancient books! Look!" She lifts up one of three enormous tomes sprawled open across her desk. The writing is tiny and faded in what seems to be a foreign language, and interspersed with mystical symbols Riza has never seen before. "And I don't know what half of that even says."

Riza sighs. "You know I'm no use when it comes to alchemy, sir. If you don't know what any of this means, I don't know how I could be of help to you."

The Major buries her face in her hands and drags them through her hair, making it stick up even more than it usually does all across her head. "You just have to help me organize a bit. Lieutenant Hox said that if I could do him the favor by Thursday, he'd take me along to the next Alchemists' Association conference, it's going to be on alchemy with volatile substances. You can't just buy a ticket for those, and from how he made it sound, the entire top rank of state alchemists is going to be there."

"That sounds very interesting, sir, but shouldn't you rather trying to establish yourself around here first?"

The Major shrugs miserably. "I thought it couldn't hurt if they knew my face. Besides", she says with a wink, "apparently Colonel Reynolds's wife is going to be there too, and if you can believe the talk in the mess hall, she must be a sight to behold."

Involuntarily, Riza's brows draw together into a frown. "I'm sorry, sir, but I've offered you my help several times today. I'm afraid you'll either have to manage this yourself or accept that this opportunity is one you're going to miss."

"Oh Riza, don't be like that. Are you angry I said that about Mrs Reynolds?" The Major gives her an entirely too self-satisfied grin. "I'm sorry, obviously you are far -"

"That has nothing to do with it", Riza cuts her off.

There are no words for how much she hates it when the Major tries to flirt with her like she does sometimes with the secretary girls; as if things were _easy_ between them. As if she could be so easily duped into forgetting all of their history, the blood and tears and bitter rage it took to get them where they are now, all of it their own fault. Where they are now is with Riza firmly at the major's back. It doesn't do for her to keep looking over her shoulder. In fact, Riza is firmly convinced they would both be much happier if the Major could just find a girl to stay with and forget about whatever she thinks she sees in Riza, and her continuing refusal to do that is what puts the ice into Riza's voice.

"I apologize, sir, but it's late, I'm hungry, and I still need to go shopping for dinner tonight."

However, neither her tone nor the beyond reasonable explanation seem to be able to deter the Major. If anything, she looks more hopeful now.

"But that's no problem at all! We could go out to dinner now, and come back to work on this report after we've had a break and a decent meal. A nice restaurant, on me. _Please._ " The Major puts on her brightest smile, which unfortunately has never quite lost its effect on Riza no matter how many times she has seen it in action already.

She exhales slowly. "I'm sorry, sir, but no. I'll need something to eat the rest of the week too, and it's not... appropriate for you to pay for my dinner."

Given how much it irritates her when the Major acts like that, it's much harder to say no to her than Riza likes, that's exactly why it's so infuriating. If she were so firmly rooted in her decision, she would already have gotten her coat from the hanger and been out the door with a polite but firm goodbye, but the Major has always had it far too easy getting under her skin. She must know Riza's salary rarely allows her such luxuries, and Riza is quite sure that she also knows her interest isn't quite unwelcome, no matter how sensible Riza tries to be about it. It's cruel to dangle that before her as nothing more than a bargaining chip, but that's just the way the Major is. She has very little room in her mind for something like scruples when there is something she wants.

"If you don't tell, I won't." The Major affects a comically exaggerated wink. "Come on, it'll be fun. And think of how embarrassing it will be when I have to tell Lieutenant Hox that I didn't manage to keep my word."

 _A good dose of embarrassment every now and then wouldn't hurt you_ , Riza thinks grimly, but at the same time she can hear herself sighing like she always does before she reluctantly agrees to something that she knows she shouldn't. This time is no different. " _Fine_ ", she gripes. "But only if we start right now. No excuses. And if - _if_ \- we go out to eat, I'll pay my own bill."

The Major beams at her and scoots her chair aside. Sometimes she reminds Riza of a little girl, the sort that has been raised more by horses than parents, unconstrained and unaware of her own limits in a way that makes her seem larger than life. She fights back an indulgent smile and goes to fetch her own chair.

"Oh, you can take mine", the Major says before she can set it down. "Let it not be said I'm not a generous leader."

Riza rolls her eyes, avoiding the Major's gaze, and sits down on her swivel chair. She has to admit that it really is much more comfortable than her own, though; no wonder the Major spends so much time slouching in it and staring out the window counting birds. A propos of that - no dawdling.

"Show me what you have so far", Riza says, taking up a random sheet. It's full of alchemical formulas that mean absolutely nothing to her, and she already regrets agreeing to this again. If she doesn't know what any of those things mean and neither does the Major, how are they going to get out of here before midnight?

To her surprise, the Major immediately launches into a rather long-winded explanation of the concept of equivalent exchange and how various symbols of alchemy relate to it that implies far more knowledge than what she had made it sound like before. Riza can't follow most of it, but she does gather that the Major wants her to summarize her notes and sort them by the symbol they concern, while she herself writes up the first draft of the research paper-length essay this is going to result in. How wonderful, more writing. Riza makes a remark to somehow celebrate the day the typewriter she requested two weeks ago finally arrives.

The pile of paper the Major has accumulated so far is impressive, but her writing is large and disorganized, so Riza quickly realizes it looks more than it actually is. They spend about half an hour scratching away separately, the only point of interaction between them the occasional brush of their elbows. Riza isn't entirely sure they're not both doing it on purpose, but the desk is really too small for two people, even though the Major has already put both the desk lamp and her telephone on top of her stack of books.

The scratching of the Major's pen subsides eventually, but Riza is too concentrated to take more than a passing note of it. Then she looks up to take a new sheet out of the drawer and realizes that the Major is staring at her, not at all casually, and likely has been doing so for quite a while.

Despite her training, Riza flinches. She feels a blush coming up, but valiantly powers through it by putting on a frown.

"You're not finished yet", she says. Why does she have to insist on being so irritating?

"No."

"Get on with it, then. I don't want to be here all night."

The Major smiles, raising an eyebrow, and says a line that she has doubtlessly been thinking up for the past five minutes. "With you here, I wouldn't mind."

Riza huffs. "May I speak frankly, sir?"

"Absolutely."

"I stayed here to help you with your work. That doesn't mean I agreed to do it for you. I can get up and leave at any time, sir."

But instead of being duly ashamed or anything of the sort, the Major only makes a vague, throw-away gesture with her hand. "I was actually nearly finished when you were about to leave. I have it pretty much worked out by now."

Riza's mouth opens slightly in indignation. "You tricked me?", she asks, her voice coming out much shriller than intended. On one hand she is amazed at how quickly the Major can actually work when she wants to, and on the other hands she thinks she might actually be angry now. It's partially her own fault for agreeing to it, but the fact that the Major kept her here despite there being zero need to, when she knows full well that Riza has more overtime hours than everyone else in the office combined...

The Major seems to realize this too, now that it's too late, and raises her hands in defense. "I'm sorry, Riza -"

"Don't _call_ me that", Riza cuts in, but the Major pays no attention.

"- but I just wanted to talk to you. We see so little of each other these days. I have to go to so many meetings I'm barely still in the office, and you... you are swamped in so much work I sometimes feel like you're trying to distract yourself from something. And I won't stop you from doing that if that's the case, I just... wanted to talk to you again sometime. I have no idea what's going on in your life. Please, Riza, don't be angry with me. I was going to take you out to dinner, and we were going to have a good time, and at the end I'd say it wasn't that much work after all or something and drive you home."

"You could just have asked." Riza frowns, trying very hard not to pay any attention to how dark and sincere Regina's eyes shine in the low evening light. Why does she have to make it so hard to be angry at her, and stay that way?

It's true, it feels like the better both of them settle into their respective lives here, the less time they have that they can spend with each other. A part of that distance is intentionally engineered by Riza, because Regina is her commanding officer now, and the pact they've made doesn't allow for that kind of thing, and somewhere along the journey back from the ruins of Ishval she seems to have forgotten how to actually talk to her normally. But yes, Regina is right. She does miss it. She misses the friendship they had when they were growing up, knowing they will never again have what they had then, and she misses the terrible clarity of combat, when there was no time to mince words or have second thoughts because each chance to talk might be the last. Between the constant smell of sulphur and the deadly white heat, being in love with Regina was easy. All she had to do was to always be watching and to aim well. Track, aim, shoot, change location. If she had asked herself the kind of idle, useless questions then that constantly plague her now both of them would be dead, but here, in this office, there is little to do other than that. What Regina requires of her is no longer so simple as a well-placed bullet, and temptation is everywhere. After a war, people get married, have children, futures. Other people, not Riza. And it's best that way; she could never give Regina what she needs, not like that, and neither of them deserve that kind of happiness yet.

Regina leans back in her chair to get a better look at her, smiling sadly. "You would never have agreed. I know you don't... like to be alone with me."

Riza follows her movement, retreating into the comfortable largeness of Regina's chair, resisting the urge to curl up into herself. "That's not true", she says quietly. Regina's company is probably one of the things she enjoys most, it's just that it also tends to make her awkward, and embarrassed, and sad.

"But you do avoid me."

"Yes." Riza sighs, guilty. "I hoped you wouldn't notice."

"Of course I did. I just don't get why. Are you still angry about what I did with... your father's secret after all?"

Riza shakes her head no. Everything they've done, everything that rests heavy on their shoulders, is inextricably both their fault. Any resentment she harbors for Regina she harbors for herself as well, and she has already said she has forgiven her for that as long as she puts up an effort to repair the harm she has wrought. She doesn't go back on her word.

"Is there something else I did?" Regina looks genuinely helpless. It doesn't sit well with Riza to see her blaming herself for something she had no hand in, but she can't bring herself to say anything. She has no idea how to explain it.

"Then what _is_ it?" Regina looks down for a moment, drags a hand through her already-ruffled hair and rubs the knuckle of her thumb across the spot between her eyebrows. "Do you want me to transfer you to a different squad?"

"No!", Riza says almost before Regina has finished her sentence. "No, don't do that. I made you a promise. I meant it."

Regina's face lightens up a little, visibly relieved. It doesn't last long, though. "Then what's the problem, Riza? I don't understand." She puts on one of those horse-child smiles, charming despite the clear intent to be charming, though it is a little paler than usual. "Help me out, Riza, you know you're smarter than me."

In spite of herself, Riza laughs weakly. "Do you have to know?"

"As your commanding officer, I'm afraid I do." She raises her chin in a parody of authority.

Riza sighs, her gaze falling to where her hands lie folded in her lap. What a good girl she is after all these years, sitting quiet and with her back straight. "I can't... I don't trust myself around you anymore. I don't know what to do."

For some completely alien reason, Regina laughs at that. "Is that it? Neither do I, but that's no reason to -"

"Yes, yes it is!", Riza snaps, surprising both of them. "Do you know what would happen if I - if I just let myself do whatever comes into my mind?"

Regina shrugs, still looking far too amused for Riza's taste. "Well, tell me. I'm sure it can't be that bad."

"Not everyone can just do whatever they want and get away with it all the time like you. I don't just do things just because I want them, no matter how much. I said I would watch your back for you. How could I do that if I let you do something that could end your career on the spot? I know you don't think about things like that, and that's fine because that's what I'm here for, but you can't first put me up to my post and then tell me to abandon it!" Riza notices she is almost shouting, and folds back into herself. To her great dismay, however, Regina takes hold of the chair's armrest and simply drags her closer, until their knees almost touch.

Regina leans forward, looking at her from a little below eye level, and blinks a few times. The sun has set by now and the desk lamp is far too dim and yellow to be able to tell clearly, but Riza thinks she might actually be blushing. She doesn't like where this is headed. She should never have agreed to stay in the first place.

"And I was worried I had imagined all of it", she says, more to herself than Riza. She reaches out, stopping for a moment when Riza flinches back and then continuing until their fingertips just barely brush. Riza flinches again from the sudden touch, but doesn't pull away as she probably should. No, she definitely should.

"Is that all you're worried about? They're all men, Riza, they couldn't tell in a hundred years. And even if they could, how would they prove it?" She smiles softly.

"They know about you", Riza points out. "It's not that absurd a rumor. Everyone knows we're close."

"Half of them are still convinced I'll find a man and become a housewife eventually. Everyone loves a good rumor, but only as a rumor. Otherwise they might actually have to think about some things. I promise you don't need to worry about that, Riza." Regina's fingers slide across her palms until they interlock with hers.

Riza still thinks otherwise, but doesn't say anything. It would be so nice to let Regina persuade her. She has wanted to be with her in one way or another since they were almost still children; let them be happy now and deal with the consequences when - if - they appear.

"Riza, you know it's only ever been you, at the end of the day", Regina says after a while, looking at her with dark, intent eyes. "I know I get around a lot, but that's only because you're not there. I never stop thinking about you, no matter who I'm with."

This isn't as flattering as Regina is hoping, but neither is it as big a surprise. She has been jealous the first few times Regina came into the office on a Monday with a half-healed bite mark on her neck and honestly she still is, but with the speed at which her lady friends' names and their voices on the phone changed, Riza eventually stopped believing that Regina found this quite so fulfilling as she wanted to make it seem. And of course there is a multitude of problems Regina might be trying to distract herself from, but if there is one thing Riza knows, it's that there was something real between them when they met in Ishval, and neither of them has managed to shake it off since then. She couldn't explain how she knows, but she does; it would actually make her life so much easier if Riza could convince herself that Regina thinks of her like she thinks of Hughes, only more useful. So she keeps her silence, but she doesn't shy away from Regina's gaze either.

"Please, Riza, just that one time." Regina's voice is solemn, maybe even a little pleading. She lifts one hand to Riza's cheek, touching her like she would touch a butterfly, and then again with a little more pressure.

"Just that one time what?", Riza asks, neither leaning into the touch nor away from it.

"Just let me kiss you once. Just so I know what - what it would be like. - Don't tell me you've never thought about it", Regina adds, almost nervously, when Riza doesn't respond immediately.

Riza tries to pull away from Regina's hand still holding hers, but she's too slow. Regina grasps it in both of hers, and pulls it towards her, cradling it against her chest for a moment so that she can feel her heartbeat.

"Please, Riza. Don't you want to?"

Of course Riza does, her entire face is burning with it, and she knows Regina can see it. Still, she does her best. "You couldn't leave it at just once if you tried. And I -"

"You don't know that." Regina really is pleading with her now. "And even if you're right - would that really be so terrible?"

Well, would it? Despite her best effort, Riza starts to picture it. Regina is right, none of the upper brass would figure out what was happening in their entire lifetimes if they employed a minimal amount of care. And she wouldn't have to sleep alone in her tiny, empty apartment anymore, for a start. She wouldn't have to be so jealous anymore whenever Regina attends one of her _soir_ _é_ _es_. She would get to know every last facet of Regina, what she looks like when she wakes up and whether she's grumpy in the morning (she definitely is). She wouldn't have to feel like she steals every genuine moment they share these days anymore. Maybe they could drive to the mountains together on a weekend. And of course she would get to know Regina in the other sense of the word, which can't be denied she has been fantasizing about since she was 16, but still can't possibly imagine what it would actually be like.

She looks up reflexively, and realizes Regina has been watching her the entire time, quiet and intent like the hawk that is her own namesake. Riza wonders if that is what Regina's unfortunate targets feel like, when they're trapped between a wall and her gloves, in the split second before she snaps her fingers.

"Don't look at me like that", Riza whispers.

"You wouldn't say that if you could see yourself."

Regina turns her hand over and strokes the inside of her wrist. Riza swallows. She can feel her heart hammering against her ribcage. She tries to make herself sound wry, and fails. "What do I look like?"

"Like all I ever wanted", Regina says softly.

Riza lets out the breath she hadn't noticed she was holding, and nods. She is rewarded with the most bittersweet smile she ever saw on Regina, and lets herself be dragged up lightly as Regina steps out and away from her chair.

Regina closes the distance between them immediately. She really is tall; Riza doesn't recall if they've ever stood this close together. She can't look away from her eyes anymore. When Regina brushes her fringe away from her forehead and gently turns her face up, it feels as if she had touched an electric wire. She has never felt like this before, with anyone.

Regina leans in slowly, keeping eye contact until it becomes physically impossible, and Riza waits for her, breathing shallowly. When their lips finally touch, Riza thinks she might faint. It is as if something explodes inside her that has been sitting on her chest for far too long, a breakthrough of feelings, too many and too strong to put a name to.

Suddenly she can't remember how she has spent her entire life without this. She is hyperaware of everything about Regina, the soft texture of her lips, the faintly lingering scent of starch and cologne on her shirt, the warmth of her body so close. Regina is still barely touching her, probably so as not to scare her away, but Riza can't bear the distance between them anymore. She throws her arms around Regina's shoulders, pulling her as close as she can, trying to feel every square inch of her and absorb it into memory before the moment passes. Regina stiffens for a moment, then drops her hands to Riza's waist and slides them up underneath her uniform jacket.

Riza feels impossibly hot. Regina's breasts are pressing against hers, even through all the layers of fabric between them. She is so warm, so firm, her mouth so wet -

 _You have to stop this, right now, or neither of you will ever be able to._ It feels like the hardest thing she has ever had to do, but she is already pushing Regina away, leaping back, before she has finished the thought. She thinks she can feel tears rising to her eyes, but what does that matter now?

Regina looks at her with wild eyes, hurt and worried at the same time, disheveled and far more flushed than she would have expected her to be. "What's wrong?", she asks, out of breath. "Did I hurt you?"

"No! No." Riza's shoulders tense, drawing up into her body. "I'm sorry, it has nothing to do with you. I just - can't."

"Shhh", Regina says, reaching out to touch her hand. Riza flinches back.

"I'm sorry", she repeats, "I'm so sorry but I can't, I can't."

Regina's eyes drill into hers, desperate to find an answer, but suddenly her face settles into practiced calmness. "I understand. Don't worry about it. I shouldn't have pressed you." Her voice sounds empty. Riza feels beyond terrible, but she had to do it. There was no other way. She blinks, and feels tears on her still-hot cheeks. That doesn't make it better.

"I love you, Regina", she says, quietly, like an apology.

"Then why -" Regina shakes her head helplessly, and the calm facade on her face breaks again.

It takes Riza every last inch of her hard-won discipline not to throw herself back in her arms, apologize, and continue where they left off. But she wouldn't be Riza Hawkeye if her self-control didn't win in the end. "It's not right. We shouldn't." She hates that she can't articulate it better, that she can't at least offer Regina a proper explanation, but here they are. "Please just forget this ever happened."

Regina smiles, and it breaks her heart. "You know I can't."

And neither can Riza, but they'll just have to find a way to live with it. They will both get over it, given some time. They have to. "Please. You should -" _Find someone else_ , she was going to say, but she can't pretend anymore that this is what she wants. In the end, she just shakes her head, wordlessly begging Regina to understand. "I have to go."

Regina says nothing at all, but her dark eyes don't leave Riza until she is out of the room and the door has fallen shut behind her. The harsh, metallic sound serves as something of a wake-up call for Riza; the remaining heat evaporates quickly in the unlit hallway.

She will not be able to forget this night, ever, and least of all the look on Regina's face when she left. It makes her feel terrible to have hurt her like this, but what could she have done? She doesn't believe in fate, but she knows the two of them aren't meant to have their happy-ever-after. There's just no room for it in the kind of lives they lead. And there's really no point in her being so upset about it; they aren't the first ones and they won't be the last. Other people's spouses die.

The thought of Regina possibly dying terrifies her so much she almost contemplates actually going back. That would be no use, though; Riza is walking her usual route, and she knows that it takes her about 15 minutes to get to this street corner. There's no way Regina hasn't left by now, and even if she hadn't... Her father's housekeeper had a saying about food warmed twice, and she is right. No point in trying to hold on to something that is already gone.

She was hungry when she agreed to stay - how _stupid_ , and it doesn't make it better that she knew back then how stupid it was - but that feeling is gone now. Nonetheless she stops at the next small neighborhood bar and orders two sandwiches. The barkeeper hesitates when he sees her red-rimmed eyes and messy hair, but says nothing, courtesy of the uniform. A waste of money, but there's no way she'll manage to cook dinner tonight.

She arrives at her pitiful apartment exhausted, and feeling worse about what she did every second. She shouldn't have agreed to stay with the Major. She shouldn't have let her have that kiss if she knew she couldn't do it. So much for letting herself indulge in her desires; this way, she has just ended up hurting both of them.

She eats both her sandwiches mechanically, though her hunger still hasn't come back and they taste like cardboard, because she knows the value of regular meals, and then occupies herself with tidying and reading until her usual bedtime even though she wants nothing more than to curl up beneath the blanket and cry herself to sleep, because she knows the value of a regular sleep schedule. This is who Riza Hawkeye is, then: dutiful, disciplined, sensible.

Surprisingly, the thought actually gives her some comfort. It's not a glamorous existence, it certainly has nothing of the Major's dauntless, easy charm, but it gets the job done. It takes care of what's necessary in order for people like the Major to have their flights of fancy, which is exactly the point. Come morning, she will begin to understand why she had no choice but to leave, to remember that there are more important things than what she wants. It makes her sound so cold to think so, but Riza is fairly sure the Major won't be angry at her. A little, maybe, because she has hurt her and hurt usually does bring anger, but the Major has too good a heart not to understand eventually that Riza has her reasons even if she doesn't understand those reasons.

Being in love with the Major from a distance is easier than it actually happening, too, in a way. That's what it has been for her nearly all her life, after all; why should that change now?


End file.
